Commit A Crime

I'm gonna leave you woman, before I commit a crime.
I'm gonna leave you woman, before I commit a crime.
You tried so hard to kill me, woman it just was not my time.
You put poison in my coffee, instead of milk or cream.
Howlin' Wolf

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

I have been in many relationships that I like to refer as relationshits. I've spent many hours crying, praying, hoping, and yearning for these relationships to work, but one thing that I never did was place God at the head of my relationships. It was not until I started a relationship with my fiancee, Marrissa, that I went into the relationship with the goal of not only making God the priority over the relationship, but the supreme authority over all things pertaining to my life. It was not until I did this, that the Apostle Paul's verses rang indelibly true and a foundation for the relationship was built on the immovability of God's grace and love. In other words, being in a healthy relationship for the first time in my life is quite awesome.

I write these words not for my own edification, as most of these postings are written for my own sanity and accountability. Lately, I have been put in the middle of one of the most one sided and destructive relationships that I've ever witnessed. It is quite the contrast to hear both sides rant and rail against each other while my bride to be and I are in the midst of pre-marriage counseling and reading through a book entitled, When Sinners Say I Do.

The principles that Paul lays out in 1 Corinthians 13 are principles that I have tried to emulate in my relationship. These principles are noticeably ignored and not practiced in the relationship between my two friends, whom we shall call "Jack" and "Meg".

It is clear in their relationship that the only communication between the two is full of malice and anger and resentment. There is no trust, there is nothing that resembles affection for each other. Why are they even together? I do not know. I suppose that in both of their minds, it is better to be miserable with someone than alone. Based on that premise and the fact that neither will listen to my pleadings to break up and move apart, I now feel the responsibility to lay a groundwork of a healthy relationship, if not for their benefit, then for the benefit of anyone currently seeking to turn their relationshit into a healthy relationship.

Love is patient. Love does not seek to have its own way. One of the most destructive and frustrating things I have ever experienced was an argument through text messaging. I have been on both sides, both instigating and defending in this matter, and it is something that I never want to go through again. Love does not seek to have an answer right away. In it's patience, it can wait out the storms, keep the emotions in check, and will wait for its turn to either make it's complaint or defend it's actions. Patience will take someone by the hand and walk with them, no matter how long or arduous the road is. Patience does not demand a verdict.

Love is kind. Love does not seek to hurt another person. Love seeks to serve without the motivation of getting anything in return. The kindness of love is satisfied in and of itself.

Love does not envy. Love is content with itself. Love only wants the best for others and never for oneself. I am far more happier if Marrissa has a good day despite my bad day. My love rejoices in her blessings.

Love does not boast. In a healthy relationship, there is never any need to remind the other person how much you contribute to the relationship. Love does not hold the sins of the other over their heads. As a wretched sinner, I can only boast in the cross. Boasting in the fact that I make more money or that I do the bulk of the traveling is irrelevant and counter-productive and causes a rift in the relationship.

Love is not arrogant. True love, as laid out by Christ in the Gospels, seeks to exalt the other above one's self. Marrissa's well being is far more important than mine. In this humility, we are able to serve one another and meet each other's needs. Love does not seek to change another person. "Meg" asked me one time how she could change "Jack". This was supremely arrogant. First, "Jack" needs to change on his own. How do you change him? You love him! You serve him! You seek after his well being! The biggest folly that women continually repeat is this notion that bitching and complaining will change a man. Love is about compromise, not behavior modification. The man may modify his behavior, but it is usually to shut the woman up. No change in his heart has taken place and therefore, when he has had enough of the one-sidedness of the compromise, he will inevitably revert to his way.

Love is not rude. Love does not seek to injure the other with their words or their actions. "Jack" one time told "Meg" to go play in traffic. I did not doubt his seriousness. As far as I know, he never took it back. One thing "Jack" needs to realize is that he lives in "Meg's" house. Would she be justified to change the locks and throw his stuff in the yard? Taking someone's kindness for granted is one the rudest and evilest things that people do. I've certainly done it before, so who am I to judge? Yet, if it were me in "Meg's" shoes, he would be homeless. This is why I thank God everyday for a girl that has never once been rude to me or by her actions, inspired me to be rude to her. And if we were rude to each other, we have built a foundation of respect and forgiveness.

Love does not insist on it's own way. As mentioned earlier, love seeks the well being of others before it's own needs. "Meg" once asked me when I quoted this verse to her, "should he then be able to get away with whatever he wants?" Well, quite frankly, if you believe the relationship is salvageable, then yes. What he is getting away with was never defined, but we have the choice. Stick it out or leave. If you feel the relationship is worth sticking it out, then you must not insist on your own way. Compromise is key and that involves both parties applying these principles to their lives first, the relationship second.

Love is not irritable or resentful. Love does not hold the sins of the other over their heads. As Christ said, "remove the plank from your own eye." In my relationship, I am the biggest problem. It is the fundamental truth of relationships. "Meg" would like to think that if "Jack" would be this way, all would be good. And vice versa. What they both need to realize is that they, themselves, are the biggest problem in the relationship. When we look in the mirror and see ourselves for what we really are, we no longer puff ourselves up and blame the other person. We see that we are the cause of our own problems. We are our own worst enemies. In that context, how dare I hold her crankiness over her head or resent her for it? What am I doing to make her less cranky or ease her crankiness should be my question to myself. I should love her more when she is cranky because she NEEDS my love more! Anything else is throwing gasoline onto the fire.

Love does not rejoice at wrong doing, but rejoices with truth. As I said earlier, I've been a part of many destructive relationships, but one so destructive as the time I was the "other guy" for a married woman. Currently, I tread very carefully in my conversations with any ex's or other women. I merely do not trust myself and respect Marrissa too much to even plant the tiniest of thoughts in her head, that my eyes may be wandering. With that being said, I am completely transparent. She has access to my Facebook account. My cell phone is never locked and always on the counter. The beautiful truth of our union is this. Because I am transparent, she has no desire to snoop and does not snoop. When my ex's would hack my accounts and go through my phones, I was furious. Why? Because I was hiding something. Innocent people have no need for the games that people play in relationships. They do not rejoice in them and I personally find the back and forth quite nauseating. It is liberating to be loved and trusted!!

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love is the greatest gift that God has given to man. Man in his sinfulness has perverted love and tainted it's goodness. It is this kind of love that changed me, that brought me to my knees, that puts Marrissa before my own interests, that seeks to serve her and edify her. I can say that we have probably had 3 or 4 arguments in our time together. We will have many more. But never has a voice been raised or a hurtful word been said. Never has resentment been allowed to manifest itself nor sins of the past been used to injure. Never have we let the sun go down on any issue that offended one of us and never have we refused to communicate. This love has helped to bring sanity into my life, given me a clearer vision of God's own love for me, and helped to restore my faith. My prayer is that we both stay faithful to Christ and to each other, for it is by His grace, does such a love exist between us.

Most Things Haven't Worked Out

O LORD, you have deceived me,
and I was deceived;
you are stronger than I,
and you have prevailed.
I have become a laughingstock all the day;
everyone mocks me.
For whenever I speak, I cry out,
I shout, "Violence and destruction!"
For the word of the LORD has become for me
a reproach and derision all day long.

Jeremiah 20:7-8

I was recently speaking to a pastor/friend about an accountability group he attended with three other local pastors from different denominations. The pastors talked about their struggles within their ministries and relationships. The theme of their conversation seemed to be surrender. This idea that if I can fully surrender to God, then things will work out. My friend described this surrender as elusive to them, for some of the pastors were quite older than him, yet they still haven't figured it out how to fully surrender. I asked him a two part question. First, what does this elusive total surrender to Christ look like? Second, what expectations do these guys have when they finally reach full surrender? I think those questions have different answers based on one's theology, and depending on how far off one's doctrine of God is, can have dire consequences for one's faith.

So many christians base their spiritual growth on how well behaved they are or on how well they can play church. But this is not what the christian life is all about. Sanctification, or being made holy, is not about achieving some moral victory. The truth is, we will never be good enough for God. So why would we judge growth based on a checklist of good deeds when we were saved by grace to begin with? What does full surrender look like and is it maintainable? I honestly don't know what full surrender looks like and I am certain that it is not maintainable. This is why the cross is so important. We are poor dejected sinners striving to be holy, but we will always fail. As the great puritan theologian Thomas Watson said, "To deny [we]sin is to devalue grace."

Men from all ages have often sought their own plans by their own will instead of seeking after God. I don't doubt the hearts of these three pastors my friend met with by any means, but they relayed a feeling that total surrender would equal good things in their life and their ministry. One of the greatest lies the Devil has infiltrated into the church is the idea that if I'm good, God will bless me. And if I'm bad, I will be punished. Let us look at the lives of two of God's greatest prophets from the Old Testament. In 1 Kings 18, we find the prophet Elijah, challenging the prophets of Baal to a contest to see whose god will show up. In verse 36-40, we see Elijah victorious.

And at the time of the offering of the oblation, Elijah the prophet came near and said, "O LORD, God of Abraham, Isaac, and Israel, let it be known this day that you are God in Israel, and that I am your servant, and that I have done all these things at your word. Answer me, O LORD, answer me, that this people may know that you, O LORD, are God, and that you have turned their hearts back." Then the fire of the LORD fell and consumed the burnt offering and the wood and the stones and the dust, and licked up the water that was in the trench. And when all the people saw it, they fell on their faces and said, "The LORD, he is God; the LORD, he is God." And Elijah said to them, "Seize the prophets of Baal; let not one of them escape." And they seized them. And Elijah brought them down to the brook Kishon and slaughtered them there.

In the next chapter, we find Elijah's life being threatened by Jezebel. Israel has seen Elijah's miracles, yet they did not repent, and now Elijah decides to flee for his life. Elijah meets God on the mountain and wants to give up his ministry. Surely, Elijah must have thought by God's miraculous display that Israel would repent, that Ahab and Jezebel would be overthrown, that the peace of the Lord would fill the land and that the people would return to him. Instead, the exact opposite occurs. How does our faith stand the test when we fully surrender and the unexpected happens?

The prophet Jeremiah lived a life of full surrender, prophesying the destruction of Judah and the exile of the children of Israel. These were not the words he wanted to say but the words of the Lord burning inside of him. He was beaten and scorned. Shouldn't God's prophet be prosperous he must have thought. Jeremiah went as far as to say that the Lord deceived him. That curses should be laid on the man that congratulated his father when he was born and curses his own birth. What if we fully surrender and lose our ministry? This is why theology is important. Because we do not always get what we want and most things don't work out the way we want them.

One summer I went to Romania on a missions trip. God provided the money to go but when I returned I barely had enough to pay rent. Needless to say, my faith struggled. I openly argued to God, "I went overseas to serve you. I gave up my summer for you! How can you not at least provide a job so that I can make enough money to pay rent!?!" How foolish I was then. My roommate helped bring me back down to humility when he asked me, "If God were to take everything, and you became homeless, would you still follow Him? Furthermore, would he be any less loving or just?" He was right. In my full surrender to God's will, he taught me something that summer that I did not expect to learn. God owes me nothing. In my absolute worst, when I ran from God as fast as I could, I've had jobs where I prospered. And in my surrender, in the same job, I was not prosperous. Living in full surrender to God's will is not a recipe for an easy life with a great ministry. If Christ was persecuted, if Paul was shipwrecked and chained, if Peter was crucified upside down, then where in the hell did this idea that full surrender equals prosperity come from? God's blessings are not dependent on my morality. And I'm thankful for that because I am a miserable sinner, waging a war against my flesh that I cannot win on my own. Praise be to God for His grace and mercy!

So let us seek to fully surrender our lives to God, but not to prosper our ministry, or make more money, or feel good about our faith. Let us fully surrender because God is good and he is worthy of our surrender. He has saved us from the pit, numbered the hairs on our heads and knows us by name. And when times get tough, cling to the cross and know that God works all things for the good of those whom he loves and has called by name.