Commit A Crime

I'm gonna leave you woman, before I commit a crime.
I'm gonna leave you woman, before I commit a crime.
You tried so hard to kill me, woman it just was not my time.
You put poison in my coffee, instead of milk or cream.
Howlin' Wolf

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

I have been in many relationships that I like to refer as relationshits. I've spent many hours crying, praying, hoping, and yearning for these relationships to work, but one thing that I never did was place God at the head of my relationships. It was not until I started a relationship with my fiancee, Marrissa, that I went into the relationship with the goal of not only making God the priority over the relationship, but the supreme authority over all things pertaining to my life. It was not until I did this, that the Apostle Paul's verses rang indelibly true and a foundation for the relationship was built on the immovability of God's grace and love. In other words, being in a healthy relationship for the first time in my life is quite awesome.

I write these words not for my own edification, as most of these postings are written for my own sanity and accountability. Lately, I have been put in the middle of one of the most one sided and destructive relationships that I've ever witnessed. It is quite the contrast to hear both sides rant and rail against each other while my bride to be and I are in the midst of pre-marriage counseling and reading through a book entitled, When Sinners Say I Do.

The principles that Paul lays out in 1 Corinthians 13 are principles that I have tried to emulate in my relationship. These principles are noticeably ignored and not practiced in the relationship between my two friends, whom we shall call "Jack" and "Meg".

It is clear in their relationship that the only communication between the two is full of malice and anger and resentment. There is no trust, there is nothing that resembles affection for each other. Why are they even together? I do not know. I suppose that in both of their minds, it is better to be miserable with someone than alone. Based on that premise and the fact that neither will listen to my pleadings to break up and move apart, I now feel the responsibility to lay a groundwork of a healthy relationship, if not for their benefit, then for the benefit of anyone currently seeking to turn their relationshit into a healthy relationship.

Love is patient. Love does not seek to have its own way. One of the most destructive and frustrating things I have ever experienced was an argument through text messaging. I have been on both sides, both instigating and defending in this matter, and it is something that I never want to go through again. Love does not seek to have an answer right away. In it's patience, it can wait out the storms, keep the emotions in check, and will wait for its turn to either make it's complaint or defend it's actions. Patience will take someone by the hand and walk with them, no matter how long or arduous the road is. Patience does not demand a verdict.

Love is kind. Love does not seek to hurt another person. Love seeks to serve without the motivation of getting anything in return. The kindness of love is satisfied in and of itself.

Love does not envy. Love is content with itself. Love only wants the best for others and never for oneself. I am far more happier if Marrissa has a good day despite my bad day. My love rejoices in her blessings.

Love does not boast. In a healthy relationship, there is never any need to remind the other person how much you contribute to the relationship. Love does not hold the sins of the other over their heads. As a wretched sinner, I can only boast in the cross. Boasting in the fact that I make more money or that I do the bulk of the traveling is irrelevant and counter-productive and causes a rift in the relationship.

Love is not arrogant. True love, as laid out by Christ in the Gospels, seeks to exalt the other above one's self. Marrissa's well being is far more important than mine. In this humility, we are able to serve one another and meet each other's needs. Love does not seek to change another person. "Meg" asked me one time how she could change "Jack". This was supremely arrogant. First, "Jack" needs to change on his own. How do you change him? You love him! You serve him! You seek after his well being! The biggest folly that women continually repeat is this notion that bitching and complaining will change a man. Love is about compromise, not behavior modification. The man may modify his behavior, but it is usually to shut the woman up. No change in his heart has taken place and therefore, when he has had enough of the one-sidedness of the compromise, he will inevitably revert to his way.

Love is not rude. Love does not seek to injure the other with their words or their actions. "Jack" one time told "Meg" to go play in traffic. I did not doubt his seriousness. As far as I know, he never took it back. One thing "Jack" needs to realize is that he lives in "Meg's" house. Would she be justified to change the locks and throw his stuff in the yard? Taking someone's kindness for granted is one the rudest and evilest things that people do. I've certainly done it before, so who am I to judge? Yet, if it were me in "Meg's" shoes, he would be homeless. This is why I thank God everyday for a girl that has never once been rude to me or by her actions, inspired me to be rude to her. And if we were rude to each other, we have built a foundation of respect and forgiveness.

Love does not insist on it's own way. As mentioned earlier, love seeks the well being of others before it's own needs. "Meg" once asked me when I quoted this verse to her, "should he then be able to get away with whatever he wants?" Well, quite frankly, if you believe the relationship is salvageable, then yes. What he is getting away with was never defined, but we have the choice. Stick it out or leave. If you feel the relationship is worth sticking it out, then you must not insist on your own way. Compromise is key and that involves both parties applying these principles to their lives first, the relationship second.

Love is not irritable or resentful. Love does not hold the sins of the other over their heads. As Christ said, "remove the plank from your own eye." In my relationship, I am the biggest problem. It is the fundamental truth of relationships. "Meg" would like to think that if "Jack" would be this way, all would be good. And vice versa. What they both need to realize is that they, themselves, are the biggest problem in the relationship. When we look in the mirror and see ourselves for what we really are, we no longer puff ourselves up and blame the other person. We see that we are the cause of our own problems. We are our own worst enemies. In that context, how dare I hold her crankiness over her head or resent her for it? What am I doing to make her less cranky or ease her crankiness should be my question to myself. I should love her more when she is cranky because she NEEDS my love more! Anything else is throwing gasoline onto the fire.

Love does not rejoice at wrong doing, but rejoices with truth. As I said earlier, I've been a part of many destructive relationships, but one so destructive as the time I was the "other guy" for a married woman. Currently, I tread very carefully in my conversations with any ex's or other women. I merely do not trust myself and respect Marrissa too much to even plant the tiniest of thoughts in her head, that my eyes may be wandering. With that being said, I am completely transparent. She has access to my Facebook account. My cell phone is never locked and always on the counter. The beautiful truth of our union is this. Because I am transparent, she has no desire to snoop and does not snoop. When my ex's would hack my accounts and go through my phones, I was furious. Why? Because I was hiding something. Innocent people have no need for the games that people play in relationships. They do not rejoice in them and I personally find the back and forth quite nauseating. It is liberating to be loved and trusted!!

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love is the greatest gift that God has given to man. Man in his sinfulness has perverted love and tainted it's goodness. It is this kind of love that changed me, that brought me to my knees, that puts Marrissa before my own interests, that seeks to serve her and edify her. I can say that we have probably had 3 or 4 arguments in our time together. We will have many more. But never has a voice been raised or a hurtful word been said. Never has resentment been allowed to manifest itself nor sins of the past been used to injure. Never have we let the sun go down on any issue that offended one of us and never have we refused to communicate. This love has helped to bring sanity into my life, given me a clearer vision of God's own love for me, and helped to restore my faith. My prayer is that we both stay faithful to Christ and to each other, for it is by His grace, does such a love exist between us.